Those of you who read my post last week know a little bit about a difficult experience I had a few years ago when I was dealing with migraines. For those of you who haven’t read it, I shared that I had been in the habit of taking on more and more until my body finally said “stop”. The chronic stress I’d been dealing with over the years, along with the acute stress of a difficult work situation, was too much for my body to handle, and it progressed to a point where I was dealing with high intensity pain on a daily basis. And that went on for a year.
So I don’t know how many of you have seen a counselor, or if you ever wonder what goes on in the world of a psychologist OUTSIDE the therapy room (“do they really do all the meditating they’re telling me is so beneficial?”) but I’ve got a little bit of insight that I’d like to share with you. I have noticed that in psychology, self care gets talked about a lot… but similar to other helping fields, the actual practice of putting ourselves as a priority is not so good. There’s a lot of TALK about work-life balance, but the structural systems within the workplace – be it nonprofit or private practice – make it really hard to actually have balance. Now, in my early 20s, I was excited enough about the work, and energetic enough, that I could “buckle down and push through”. But by the time I turned 27 – not that old – the effect of “pushing through” was starting to wear on me.
One thing I've come to realize over the years is that, contrary to popular belief, everyone has boundaries. Stick with me - I know it's so common to feel that if you're a people pleaser, it means you have "no boundaries". So let's get really clear. Boundaries are your own unique sense of what’s okay for you and what isn’t. It’s your internal understanding of what nourishes you and what doesn’t. We all have that understanding inside of us. We all have limits. What commonly happens is that over the years that we lose touch with our boundaries, or we learn that they're not important. So, with that in mind, when you start working on your own boundaries, what you're really doing is learning to listen to and respect your own limits.
"I can be so caring to my friends, my family, to anyone who needs it... but me? I don't deserve it..."
I hear this kind of sentiment time and time again from clients. The idea of self-care is nice, and they agree with the theory of honoring our own needs... but as an actual practice? Well, that's for other people. I mean, who am I to take up space, to have a voice, to need a break sometimes? If I really allow myself that, isn't it indulgent? What if it takes support from someone else who needs it more?
Nicole Perry is a Registered Psychologist and writer with a private practice in Edmonton. Her approach is collaborative and feminist at its heart. She specializes in healing trauma, building shame resilience, and setting boundaries.
About the Blog
This space will provide information, stories, and answers to big questions about some of my favorite topics - boundaries, burnout, trauma, self compassion, and shame resilience - all from a feminist counselling perspective. It's also a space I'm exploring and refining new ideas.