*Thanks again to Cassia for sharing "part 2" of her journey moving forward from this difficult and abusive relationship.*
It’s been awhile since I have put much thought into writing about me. The last “letter of healing” I wrote I ended with something on the lines of… “For the first time in a long time I realize I am beautiful”. Well … The continuation of my story starts now..
It’s been almost 2 years of separation; I have had my ups and downs. My ex still begged for me to come back to him. I won’t lie I actually at times have thought about it but that would be too easy. My whole journey would have been for nothing.. I would have lost myself again in his narcissist mind. I have realized I am a giver; I want to heal and help. I have so much love I want to give to someone and if I am not careful the wrong person will take advantage of that and take all they can get to make themselves feel better and not care how drained that leaves me.
So I have learned the signs of a taker and refused the advances of my ex. He finally received the message though maybe not fully comprehended why I would not take him back, because two weeks after he stopped pursuing me he met another and moved in with her. It’s only been 6 months and they are set to be married the moment our divorce is final. My opinion not that it matters in his life would be he truly suffers from the idea of needing love! I don’t want to be like that. My view for myself is I want to love myself fully no doubts or questions. I want to love myself completely so that whoever I decide to share my life and love with sees that and respect that. I want my future significant other to see my worth and I won’t dismiss theirs. Life has been tough and lonely but that is what make me strong, I do not want someone because I am lonely.. That’s the old pattern the old me! I know that any relationship is not a fairy tale, we all have our downs we all have our flaws. I want my lover to love every inch of me from my innermost fears to my quirky sense of humor and of course I have the same for them in return!
To continue my journey of healing I have finally moved out into my own place with my son. I do have a roommate but we get along well, and that in itself shows me I can cultivate friendships. I can live with someone who has differences and compromise. It makes me aware that I am able to live with someone despite what I was told in my previous relationship. I was not the full problem however I did contribute to the problem by staying and believing that I had to endure this emotional pain. I firmly believe no one deserves that. I am the empath who was manipulated by the narcissist. I am the empath who opened her eyes and stopped the abuse. The mental abuse not only he did to me but the mental abuse I did to myself! I broke the cycle.
I am not going to lie, I get lonely.. I have had very short term relationships that were more on the dating side, two months or less. Remaining friends with some and strangers to others. It is not easy getting back into the world of dating but I am not going to settle! I have grown and have learned more about who I am and what I want in the past 2 years. I am the mom who loves my children, and I may not be that conventional “crafty” mom but I don’t have to be. I am the mom who loves my kids and supports them and they know that. I am the single woman who is free to choose the right person that I truly want to be with. This time around I hope to find the one to appreciate what I have to offer and I will appreciate what they have to give. This may not happen right away but I am ok with that. I would rather be patient and wait then restless and too fast, although easier said than done. I know I will be hurt a little in this time of dating others. I know I will non-intentionally hurt others. This is what dating is - you don’t settle.
The things I have noticed the most on leaving the relationship with an addict is the inner peace I have. I am not the most patient person in the world and when I was with the ex I walked on egg shells and was a ball of so many emotions. I can honestly say now I have calmed down. I still stress but not nearly as bad and my relationship with my kids is better than it has ever been. I am going to be a grandmother and I can’t wait to embrace that part of life. So although I went through my trials the light at the end of the tunnel is how I have healed, healing and my calmness I have within myself now!
Nicole Perry is a Registered Psychologist and writer with a private practice in Edmonton. Her approach is collaborative and feminist at its heart. She specializes in healing
About the Blog
This space will provide information, stories, and answers to big questions about some of my favorite topics - boundaries, burnout, trauma, self compassion, and shame resilience - all from a feminist counselling perspective. It's also a space I'm exploring and refining new ideas.